Real Programmers don't eat quiche
- Real Programmers don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know
how to spell quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching
- Real Programmers don't write specs --- users should consider
themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.
- Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write,
it should be hard to understand.
- Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who
can't read the listings or the object deck.
- Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all,
the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts;
look how much it did for them.
- Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a
hallmark of the novice and the coward.
- Real Programmers think structured programming is a communist plot.
- Real Programmers never update the source to reflect the ZAPs, after
all, it will have changed again tomorrow.
- Real Programmers programs never work right the first time. But if
you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in
only a few 30-hours debugging sessions.
- Real Programmers don't write application programs, they program
right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs
who can't do systems programming.
- Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point
was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."
- Real Programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use
them all in every Real Program. Puppy architects won't allow
execute instructions to address another execute as the target
instruction. Real Programmers despise such petty restrictions.
- Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy
- Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
freaks and crystallography weenies.
- Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers
write in BASIC, after the age of 12.
- Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for programmers who
can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
- Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of
those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people
with weak memories.
- Real Programmers don't write in APL. Any fool can be obscure in
- Real programmers don't use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use
more parentheses than actual code.
- Real Programmers enjoy machine coding PASCAL compilers for their
micros which they improve but never use.
- Real Programmers enjoy getting CP/M to work on 370 machines and MVS
on their ZX81s.
- Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are
around at 9 am, it's because they were up all night.
- Real Programmers think better while playing adventure.
- Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that
requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and Real
Programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain
should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
- Real Programmers never get annoyed by security systems, they turn
off the RACF bits and leave unsigned messages in the security data
- Real programmers know that the word is disk, not disc. Disc is a
definite commie plot put forth by blubbering quiche eaters.
- Real Programmers know better than the users what they need.
- Real Programmers don't use schedules. Schedules are for manager's
toadies. Real Programmers like to keep their managers in suspense.
- Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary
evil. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters,
senior planners and other mental defectives.
- Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up
schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive
to meet schedules. Real Programmers ignore schedules.
- Real Programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the
microwave oven. Real Programmers use the heat given off by the cpu.
They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate of
- Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies, and Szechwan
- Real programmers don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the
vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine
doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell