May, 27th 1998
REDMOND (BNN) -- World leaders reacted with stunned silence as
Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret
facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT
(1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between
Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.
"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and
all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm
anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in
the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear
Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped
my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington
geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier,
and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."
In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott all
Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his
decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't
work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a
policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft.
Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified
Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US
Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade
plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a
place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob."
Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating
systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope
thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said
Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs
on the Internet is going to get what they deserve."
The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the
microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips
"put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E.
E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold
Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California,
headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the
development work in Java," said one source close to the project. The
development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. "Write
once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."
Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored
to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton
technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has
developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be
around when they drop that product a second time."